Where the hell did I put the lifejackets?

I used Niamh's analogy of the canoe with Mr. Wonderful and the kids before he left to go to Stateside Location before going overseas. As the bus pulled out and Mr Wonderful waved, the kids wildly waved back while I tried not to bawl, because it's just Stateside and then the little guy says "Well, I guess Daddy just jumped out of the canoe -"
yeah, and where the hell did I put the lifejackets?
I keep telling my myself - he's Stateside - this part of deployment doesn't count- this is a test to make sure I don't blow up the house, put us in utter financial ruin, and give the kids scurvy due to lack of cooking - If I screw up, we can still fix it because he's reachable -
yet when i came home from the big flag waving, yellow ribbon flying ceremony, which really wasn't that bad- not my thing, but not that bad - and saw some his clothes in a pile by the bed, I lost it - for the next lottsa days, he won't be here - I thought it wouldn't bug me, I figured, hey, he's been gone before - granted for 2 weeks tops, but somehow I didn't figure it would bug me
boy am I an idiot
where the hell are those life jackets?
I tried to convince myself that i would welcome the time to read those novels I haven't gotten to, clean out the closets, watch cnn until 2am if I liked -
yeah well the kids and the grumpy puppy that doesn't like anyone but Mr. Wonderful have left me about 5 minutes to myself, and usually that's my time to say "Wow! He's really gone and this really sucks" and then the pity party is mercifully interrupted by the dog demonstrating his inability to housebreak, the kids plugging the septic tank (I kid you not on that one) or a pang of guilt that I'm not more productive -
It has not helped that it is Memorial Day Weekend and the innocent faces of the dead keep popping up everywhere- it has not escaped me that mr. Wonderful could become another postage stamp photo in the New York Times, or Washington Post, or Chicago Tribune's "Lest We Forget" section.
So the canoe is upended and I am searching for the life jackets, cursing myself that I never took swimming lessons and hoping that dog paddling will be enough for now-

How the mighty have fallen -

My birthday is coming up soon- last year, mr. wonderful surprized me with a trip to a spa. I am not a spa person. I loved it. He plotted and planned and did an amazing job taking care of everything. I didn't know he had it in him. He even took care of the whole kid thing.
This year I'll be in a crummy motel that the military is paying for, trying not to vomit as I prepare to say good luck to my husband and pray to God that he comes home in one piece and not a vegetable.
That's REALLY a sorority I DO NOT want to join.
How the mighty have fallen.
If I knew last year that this year was going to suck so much, would I have done things differently? I'm glad I didn't know -
I have been watching and helping mr. wonderful pack. it is not fun. My youngest doesn't get it - he thinks Daddy is going on a camping trip - hmmmm - My eldest is in denial -keeping very quiet but not missing a beat -
The good luck party wan't bad- I held it together through that - but watching him pack is brutal - just when you think it can't get worse, you remember that he hasn't left yet-
I think of all the things I'm going to so when he leaves -lose more weight - watch tv shows that I like,as opposed to what 'we ' like, read more, cook less - kids love Kraft macaroni and cheese - add a little broccoli and there you go- none of this is working though-
perhaps the puppy that we got to ease the deployment will learn to like the kids and I, instead of just mr. wonderful
One of the evil sisters-in law who couldn't bother herself to come and wish her brother in law good luck this weekend told me to keep my kids away from other military kids - she told me that my kids didn't need to be reminded that their Dad was overseas, trying not to get killed.
I'm glad I won't be dealing with her much longer -
God this sucks-

Hell has a special place for ...

A friend of mine recently told me to reduce the amount of stress in my life . This means for for the length of my husband's deployment I don't have to deal with his family. Perhaps there are benefits to the sorority - hmmm
In my husband's family - (he's the eldest of 5) all but one are either in the military or married to it - one is active duty - the rest hover around the periphery -
Mother Superior has told me that since her daughters and daughter in law went through it, I can go through it too - like it's some right, some privilege - to go through hell- to watch the person that means the most to you leave his kids and you and face God knows what.
Mother Superior has her car proudly plastered with yellow magnets. She ooozes red white and blue patriotic pride and does not question the Idiot from Texas. She is not afraid to sacrifice her sons, or sons in law. There is no room for doubt, no room for tears. Buck up suck up and take it like a man, this too shall pass.
Mother Superior is no match for her two daughters and daughter in law. They make her look like a kitten. My sisters in law have no need for FRG groups, blogs, books or an occasional cocktail - they take their pain straight thank you. They don't need anyone. Hell, they could fight the war blind folded with one foot amputated, no anesthesia, mind you - these ladies could squat in the desert, squeeze out a child and then get the Taliban to cry like babies -
and I needed an epidural, write a blog, loath the military and got hammered during all the last presidential debates out of hope and nerves and fear that Kerry would blow it - which he kinda did -
If the saying is "They kid because they love' I must be the most loved little in law in the world - their version of kidding borders on harrassment- if I weren't related to them, I'd slap them with a restraining order -
They have all gone through deployment yes, in fact one told me she never attended any FRG meetings - all she needed to know was - a knock at the door, he's dead - a phone call - he's just injured - pack a bag -
They need no one -
good for them
but I do -
and at almost 41, with my peace on earth earrings, my anti bush bumper stickers, liberal mindset and quietly supportive Weekend Warrior I am slowly figuring out who I am -
and I truly appreciate all my new sisters in this ugly war -
so for those of you who have given me support - I accept it, and I am very, very appreciative -
as for the in laws, I will have my cocktails, my blog, my FRG meetings and my books that help me deal with this mess - and I will have 400 days in which not to deal with their superiority complexes -

The Long Goodbye or Military Spouse Hazing

There is no other way to say it, pre-deployment is hell. I don't begrudge anyone who wants to say goodbye to my husband, in fact, I embrace it, but Good Lord it's hard watching people that love him look so frightened. His 'big' Goodbye Party hasn't even happened yet - can't wait for that!
I go to bed at night wait for him to start snoring and just cry because I am so scared over what's to come, being without him for God knows how long, the whole dying thing, and let's not forget the vegetable factor! If I cry now, and he's not gone yet, what the hell am I going to be like when he's actually gone?
Today more soldiers died. How many wives got a knock at the door? How many mothers? How many dads? How many kids are without parents today? How can I stop this plauge brought upon us by everyone's favorite Texan?
I can't quit this job, okay I can divorce my husband, but he'll still go anyway - and I love him , I don't love the military or the Weekend Warrior crap but I do love him- this is like a nightmare that won't end and it hasn't begun yet -
Is this Military Spouse Hazing? If I survive pre- depoyment, does that mean I get to become a Real Military Spouse? Am I like the Velveteen Rabbit, who gets burned to death by the Nanny and then comes back a Real Bunny?
I'm sorry - I've tried to put a positive spin on this whole thing, but I can't figure this one out - Someone sent me The Secret dvd. So apparently all I have to do is think happy thoughts and it'll all be all right? Hmmm
Does the army give you Ruby slipper when you deploy so you can click your heels three times and murmur "There's No Place like Home" then SHAZAM!!!!! No more Lone Star Idiot with his over botoxed Stepford wife (really, does her face ever move?) No more occupation of a country that never wanted us anyway and no more being gone from the people that love you instead of the the Red White and Blue Cult that claims to -
hmmmmm-

I'm a military wife! See me swallow!

Forgive my language but I'm a bit ticked! My husband is due to deploy soon, and though it is not our first deployment, it's our first overseas deployment and it's a bit overwhelming. Normally, I would protest. I would protest the Shrub insisting that the American people don't know what they're talking about. A man who has the intelligence of a goat, but the stubborness of our new puppy (yeah, new puppy not a great idea for deployment - in addition to everything else I'm being trained- not the other way around - what the hell was I thinking?) is insisting he's right, the American people are wrong and if we don't like it that's just tough - We have no exit straegy - we never did, - but that doesn't matter - And oh by the way if your husband comes back a vegetable or not at all, Laura and I feel your pain.
Let's see you and Laura send one of your twins (who used to revel in their underage boozing at the DC watering holes) off to war - the toughest thing the Olsen twins deal with is the backup from your motorcade on the Beltway for God's Sake!
As a military wife, I can't protest. I can't go to a rally or get quoted in the press because that would reflect negatively on my husband. I can't call in a talk show or sign a petition. If you notice, when family members of active duty military (Regular, Guard or Reserve) speak, they are usually parents. Seldom spouses. When you see spouses, they are gushing about how proud they are of their military man because he's saving the world, and how they get a funny feeling when he puts on his uniform -
I get a funny feeling too - like I want to kidnap him and speed off to Canada.
My husband hasn't told me what to do - i think he quietly admires my Liberal pilot light - but I know it is frowned upon by the powers that be and I don't want to take the chance that I would end up making it tougher on my husband - I've heard the stories and they are not pretty -
Shut up and swallow - he volunteered, and oh by the way, deepest condolences if he dies - you get to go the commissary - lucky you!
You have the right to free speech - unless you're married to a soldier - Then you get to shut up and swallow -