I used Niamh's analogy of the canoe with Mr. Wonderful and the kids before he left to go to Stateside Location before going overseas. As the bus pulled out and Mr Wonderful waved, the kids wildly waved back while I tried not to bawl, because it's just Stateside and then the little guy says "Well, I guess Daddy just jumped out of the canoe -"
yeah, and where the hell did I put the lifejackets?
I keep telling my myself - he's Stateside - this part of deployment doesn't count- this is a test to make sure I don't blow up the house, put us in utter financial ruin, and give the kids scurvy due to lack of cooking - If I screw up, we can still fix it because he's reachable -
yet when i came home from the big flag waving, yellow ribbon flying ceremony, which really wasn't that bad- not my thing, but not that bad - and saw some his clothes in a pile by the bed, I lost it - for the next lottsa days, he won't be here - I thought it wouldn't bug me, I figured, hey, he's been gone before - granted for 2 weeks tops, but somehow I didn't figure it would bug me
boy am I an idiot
where the hell are those life jackets?
I tried to convince myself that i would welcome the time to read those novels I haven't gotten to, clean out the closets, watch cnn until 2am if I liked -
yeah well the kids and the grumpy puppy that doesn't like anyone but Mr. Wonderful have left me about 5 minutes to myself, and usually that's my time to say "Wow! He's really gone and this really sucks" and then the pity party is mercifully interrupted by the dog demonstrating his inability to housebreak, the kids plugging the septic tank (I kid you not on that one) or a pang of guilt that I'm not more productive -
It has not helped that it is Memorial Day Weekend and the innocent faces of the dead keep popping up everywhere- it has not escaped me that mr. Wonderful could become another postage stamp photo in the New York Times, or Washington Post, or Chicago Tribune's "Lest We Forget" section.
So the canoe is upended and I am searching for the life jackets, cursing myself that I never took swimming lessons and hoping that dog paddling will be enough for now-
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just keep the head above water. that's all you need to do right now. those little 5 minutes (well, probably closer to 3, right?) use them to remember something he did that made you laugh. and DON'T wash the tshirts yet. put the last couple he wore in a large ziploc or small spacebag. when you need to "take a hit" and sniff. It's a silly thing, but it has helped.
If you need to, come on over, we'll chat, ok? (last time I invited someone over on Spouse Buzz, I was told not to recruit people to the "dark side"....)
LAW
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